For Jenette ...

I'm not sure I've ever dedicated a blog entry to anyone before, but there's a first time for everything, right?

So this entry goes out to Jenette. Mainly because when I read the clip I'm going to post below, I immediatly thought of her, mainly because I have no problem at all picturing the described interaction happening in her household. Mainly the nicknames, and the last line celebration, but none of it is all that much of a stretch.

Of course, having said that, it's also not much of a stretch to imagine it happening in my household, either, assuming Rachel and I ever have children. Nor is it difficult to imagine it happening between Ryan and Andrea. Or, well, a whole host of my married friends. It seems we're all pretty odd.

Without further ado, I present a copy-paste job of this week's much anticipated, many times postponed, and highly hillarious Sports Gal's Rant, via the Bill Simmons Mail Bag from December 14th:

Since giving birth six weeks ago, I haven't picked up an Us Weekly, read pagesix.com or watched a movie from start to finish. My whole life revolves around nursing my son, or as I like to call it, "giving the boob." (We'll call it the GTB from now on.) With all the diets out there, I'm blown away there isn't a Hollywood Lactation diet. I mean, you lose 500 calories a day -- that's at least one sprinkles cupcake or a large Pinkberry with fruity pebbles on top! How come there isn't a breast pump for non-moms called the "Fat-Sucker" on QVC? If Britney had only known, maybe she would have given up the Vodka Red Bulls post-partem and hit the breast pump.

Unlike some new moms who wake up every two hours, I'm not losing much sleep because I sleep facing my baby. If he gets hungry during the night, I just pop open a button and he's ready to eat. Sometimes, I'll even fall back asleep for the rest of the night this way -- Bill calls it the "24-Hour Drive-Thru." Bill loves making breast-feeding jokes. If the baby is hungry in the morning, Bill shouts, "Give him the boobs benedict!" If he's crying in the afternoon, Bill says, "Give him the boobs marsala!" or the "boobs and chips!"

We have a good sense of humor about GTB in the Simmons family. Even when our daughter lifted up her shirt and tried to GTB her brother once, we thought it was funny and never considered having her see a psychiatrist. Another good thing about breast-feeding: When you leave your house, just bring a nursing frock and you're good to go. I know I'm upsetting the La Leche League here, but I'm in the Barbara Walters school -- you shouldn't GTB outside your immediate family unless you're being discreet. One of my male friends recently watched his friend's wife GTB right in front of him, without a frock, and couldn't even carry a conversation because he was so rattled. I felt bad for him, and not just because Bill would pass out in the same situation. Anyone who GTB's without a frock needs to get over themselves.

Lastly, you can multi-task when you're GTB-ing. In fact, I wrote this whole rant during a GTB session and probably burned 150 calories. Woo-hoo!!!

I Miss John Stewart

I miss John Stewart and Stephen Colbert

And I know I'm not alone

I hope they end the strike soon ...

But, in the meantime, maybe this can tide you over.

Loss of Man Card

So, on Thursday nights, some fellas from my church go to Wings 'n' Things here in town to watch the NFL Network Thursday night game. I've been the last two weeks, and both times people have had to have their man cards threatened.

The first week, Ryan and Trevor (or as I call them TrevoRyan) decided that during the first quarter of the game they'd discuss the Bachelor. Yes, the crappy reality television show where the dude picks a woman to date after sleeping with 14 other chicks. Or however it actually works. Now, granted, the topic of the Bachelor came up because we were discussing the awesome state of NFL quarterbacks, and Jesse Palmer was once an NFL quarterback and the Bachelor. But, still, talking about the Bachelor while out with two other guys watching football is grounds to have your man card temporarily suspended.

But in paled in comparison the horrible offense committed last night.

There are four of us last night for the game, and unlike the previous week the entire place wasn't completely dedicated to the game. There was a women's college hoops game on a few of the flat panels (and let me tell you that is not why God gave us flat panel televisions), there was Versus on a few (so we got to watch deer and buffalo hunting on tv ... odd), the game was on most of the TVs, and the jukebox was on.

And so I'm sitting there watching the Texans-Broncos game, making countless jokes about the greatness of a quarterback named "Sage", eating fries and buffalo wings, when the unthinkable happens.

Over the speakers, from the jukebox, comes Kelly Clarkson and "Because of You". During a football game, when I'm trying to eat my man food. And I couldn't do it. I had to put my wing down until the song was over, because it just didn't feel manly enough to eat a buffalo wing while that song was blaring.

And I don't know who put that song on during a football game, but whomever it was, when we find out who you are, your man card will be suspended for a long, long time.

100th Post

Here it is ... my 100th post on this blog.

Not sure it's a milestone worth celebrating or whatnot, but at least there's a good story for it.

And it involves something kind of like the number 100 ... well, at least something that involves two identical round objects.

Tonight marked my first trip to Hooters. Great atmosphere for watching a football game, really good food (had hot wings and jalapeño chili nachos), and an overall fun time. Had heard about the good food for a while, but wasn't close to one or had an actual reason to go until tonight. And of course, the reason to go is because where I'm at the Stillers game wasn't local, and the two BW3s I tried to go to were full beyond belief.

But of course, just going isn't enough to make this a worthwhile story for my 100th entry on this blog.

My company is.

I went with my wife.

And my mother-in-law.

Soup For You?

Attention people local to me:

At Thanksgiving, I made sure my mother-in-law didn't throw out our turkey carcass. Rather, I spent time that evening making homemade stock out of it. That stock is currently frozen in my freezer, along with turkey meat. That means all I have to do to make homemade turkey frame soup is get the veggies and the noodles, and let it cook itself.

So, here lies my problem: lots of stock for a big pot of soup, itty bitty freezer. (Say that line again, but this time say it like Genie from Aladin. It's more fun that way. Trust me. Do it! Do it now!)

So, I'm looking for some people who want to get together and have turkey frame soup for dinner with Rachel and I. If you've never had it, it's not that dissimilar to chicken noodle soup, only it's made from turkey.

If you're interested, let me know and we can set up a time.

As Monty Python Might Say ...

I'm not dead yet.

I'm getting better.

I ... feel ... happy!

So, after getting more sleep in two days than I got some entire weeks while I was in school (both BGSU and ONU), I think this head cold from hades is finally starting to go away. All I've got left is some serious fatigue and a little tickle in the back of my throat.

And so I have the following request:

In an age of technology so great, can someone please, please, please find a way to make a Tylenol Cold & Flu that doesn't taste like really crummy blue syrup from the shaved ice vendor at the zoo? Please? Is it that difficult to do?

Now, typically, I just use Ghetto-Quill (the Equate version of NyQuil), but we ran out this time, and we had Tylenol Cold & Flu, so I used that instead of going to the store to buy Ghetto-Quill. And I don't mind the taste of Ghetto-Quill. But the Tylenol Cold & Flu was just 100% nasty. I have to believe someone, somewhere can fix it.

Sniffle, Sniffle, Cough

Ugh.

I'm sick.

I hate being sick.

I've got a head cold.

I hate head colds.

The congestion, the drowsiness, the sore throat, the phlegm. I hate it. All of it.

I think I may just go back to bed today.

What is this again?

Hmmm

yeah.

On November 2nd I already had two blogs posted this month.

Today is the 29th. This will be the third. Oops.

Sometimes when I don't blog for a while, you should worry about me. It could be a sign that I'm getting down and depressed. This time, that's not the case. I've just been busy. With Thanksgiving, and seeing three of four parents, and work, and Rachel's parties, and fraternity stuff, it's just been a hectic month.

But I'm good. Just busy. And it's not like things are gonna clear up anytime soon. Not with Christmas around the corner, more work, more parties for Rachel, maintaining programming for the fraternity, and trying to see three of four parents again this month (different three, though), I don't see it letting up.

Although, I do have a declaration. Since, oh, about 2nd grade, I've been overweight and noticeably so. Well, I'm tired of that. So, I'm starting a diet and exercise program, along with Rachel, to lose sixty pounds. I'm hoping that by the time the last political campaign ad for the 2008 elections is aired (and God, how I can't wait for that to happen) my goal will be met.

So, if you see me on a regular basis, keep me accountable. And if you come to a table with me to break bread, keep me accountable. Please.

Bumper Stickers

Normally, I don't like bumper stickers. I really detest having to try to see how many words I can read in as small a font as possible from the back of a car in front of me. I really find things like "In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned" to be unfunny and not very witty. I'm not big on political bumper stickers, either for causes or candidates. I really don't get the point of the "Calvin peeing on something" decals, either. I can kind of see sports teams and former schools you attended being on there, but that's still not for me.

However, I may have found a bumper sticker that might make me rethink it:

Even In My Dreams

Sometimes, things just don't go well. For you, the people and sports teams you support, and so on.

But I think it's gotten out of hand. Even in my dreams my favorite teams don't do well.

Case in point, I had a dream last night about the 2008 ALCS. Indians-Boston. Game seven was in Cleveland. I was watching the game with R.C. Foshizzle, though I'm not sure where, becaase I didn't recognize the house we were in. Anyway, the dream starts in the bottom of the 8th inning, the Indians batting, and down 4-2. There is one out, and Andy Marte, batting ninth, steps to the plate. He smacks a double down the left field line that barely stays fair, bringing Grady Sizemore to the plate.

The Jake is going crazy, Ryan and I are going crazy, and it looks like things might turn around. Grady Sizemore steps to the plate and hits the first pitch he sees back up the middle, but it takes a high bounce over the center fielder's head, and gets into the corner. Grady puts on all the jets and scores on an inside-the-park-homerun, tying the game up at four. Ryan and I are going crazier, and the Jake is going crazier, and Fox zooms to show Indians closer Rafael Betancourt getting lose in the pen, just in case the Indians take the lead here.

Asdrubal Cabrera works a walk, and then Travis Hafner gets plunked on the arm, and then another walk is issued to Victor Martinez.

So here's the scenario: Bases loaded, one out, tied game. Bottom of the 8th inning, game seven of the ALCS. A deep fly ball will put the Indians three outs away from meeting the Pirates in the World Series (who had apparently swept the Mets in the NLCS). Ryan Garko steps into the batters box, and swings at a first pitch fastball and ...

come one now, you all can guess what happens, right?


Give it a guess ...

go on ...

go on ...

go on ...

And get yourself a cookie if you predicted GIDP, inning over, Boston coming to bat.


And of course, I wake up at this point in time. But, I just knew that they blew the game and lost it.

Even in my dreams, the Indians can't win. That's how bad it's gotten.

Oh well ... at least it was a break from what's been the theme of my dreams for the last few weeks, but I'll have to blog about that later.