Replacing an Icon

Been busy lately. This past weekend was Sigma Theta Epsilon's National Conclave of Chapters. Leading up to the meeting, I was National Secretary, and coming out of the meeting, I'm now National Vice President.

It's odd. I was elected National Secretary three years ago (in 2004), and I had no timidity about my ability to do the job, even though it didn't exactly match my skillset. I was a wide-eyed kid, about to be fresh out of my undergraduate studies, but I knew what I needed to do, and I knew I could do it.

It probably helped a great deal that I had a checklist of tangible measurable things (like getting out newsletters, membership records, and the such) that I could measure my success against that would help me. It also helped my confidence that I walked into the office with its standards not exactly the highest, and simply catching up on the past two guys' lack of work would be a success.

Now ... I'm National Vice President. Charged with being the programming and spiritual leader of the fraternity. Something much more suited to my skillset. And yet, I'm much more tentative about having success. Some of that is the success in this office is less tangible and less in my full control. Are there programs available? Are people using the programs? Part of it also has to be that I'm replacing someone I consider an icon of the fraternity, and a mentor of mine, in the position.

I think I'm off to a good enough start. Lead devotion Sunday Morning, encouraging us as a fraternity and as men of God to not limit ourselves to trying to do what is good, but try to do what is better. Introduced a programming theme, "Made For Love", and using a key verse of Micah 6:8, encouraged our members to be made for love, and to love loving others.

And now to follow through.

The weekend was amazing, but difficult to get through at times. And not just for business stress. Also for emotional baggage. Shan lead worship on Sunday morning, and the beauty of my brothers singing in my voice moved me, and brought me memories of JZ. I almost doubled over, overcome with emotion, and had to leave the room, but was able to make it through. The image of JZ looking down on conclave from heaven, and smiling as we moved forward as fellow workers with God was almost too much for me to bear.

It's not as though I shouldn't have seen it coming. I've had a string of bad days recently where thoughts of JZ have just rushed into my head and overwhelmed my emotions. About ten days ago, I was out shopping with my wife and her mother, and just got this urge to talk to JZ about the Indians ... get his opinion on if they could only keep one, who should they keep: Pronk or Hafner. I could hear him arguing both sides, just trying to put all information out. And I missed him so much. And I still miss him so much.

I finally figured out on the drive home why this weekend was so difficult for me in regards to JZ memories. One, JT was the alumni delegate for my "home" chapter, and JZ's best friend. Two, of the two events I had no control over that pushed me to National focus, JZ was integral to both. He nominated me for Epsilon President way back in February of 03, and he organized the first multi-chapter STE Bowl game, which lead to my desire to see more of the same, as well as some recognition for me as chapter president, when the game was a great success.

I can credit my national involvement and my ascension nationally at least in part to JZ. And he's an icon in my life that none will ever replace.

I think I should look into getting some grief counseling. I've been overcome by emotion often recently. I've stared into the heavens and longed to talk sports with JZ. I've stood in department stores holding conversations with JZ. I've closed my eyes and asked Grandpa if he's proud of me. I've driven down 30 and wondered why I didn't do more to be closer with Erin.

It's not that I don't like to remember. I love to remember. It's not even the tears I don't like, because they remind me that I have great joy in part because of those I miss. It's just ... I feel like I'm not making progress, and I don't know what else to do.

I knew I was lucky when I got through 22+ years of life before I lost someone very close to me to the icy hand of death.

I guess I never realized just how lucky.

Meet me there

And now for something completely different ...

After a couple of half-serious posts, I thought I might post something serious, with a reflection from Journey a few weeks back ...

Let's say you and a friend are at your house, and you decide to go somewhere else. The friend says to you "you go on ahead, and I'll meet you there." So you both leave your house, and you take a path to your destination. Your friend is not beside you on that path. Are you mad at him? Of course not. The intention was to meet you there, not be at your side for every step along the way.

Yet, do we sometimes find ourselves in a similar situation with God, and get mad at him for only wanting to meet us at a destination, rather than walking every step of the way with us?

A couple of weeks back at Journey, we looked at the first half of Luke chapter 10. It opens by saying (NASB):

Now after this the Lord appointed seventy others, and sent them in pairs ahead of Him to every city and place where He Himself was going to come.

The Lord did not set out with them. He sent them to places he would be. Future tense.

And yet, this is somethign difficult to grasp, at least for me. Why wouldn't God be with me along the way? Why would God set me on a path, and only want to meet me at the destination?

Yet, the more I meditate and perculate on it, the more it makes sense. He is our Father. If you watch any parent, as their children begin to walk, they stand behind them, arms stretched down in case they fall. As the children become more stable in their walking habits, the fathers bend and stoop less and less. Eventually, it gets to the point where the father can sit across the room, and just enjoy watching his kid walk across the room without any help from him.

So why can't our Father be the same way?

He'll meet us there. Even if he's not there every step of the way. Even if we have to go through rough patches on our journeys. Even if we get delayed on the way. He'll meet us there.

And isn't that reason enough to keep walking towards whatever destinaton He's meeting us at next?

Days like this could kill me, but at least I'd die happy

Another solid day of basketball. Another solid day of bad-for-me food. The two seem to be going hand-in-hand. Also, Rachel decided to stay in Columbus all day. Not a coincidence that my food choices didn't become any healthier.

let's see if we can tally up the food (so far) today ...

2 corned beef sandwiches with swiss cheese on sourdough rolls
8 deep fried jalepeno poppers
4 boiled red potatoes topped with butter and oregano
3/4s of a cabbage (look, vegetables!)
1 large slice of pie
several heaping handfulls of garden salsa sun chips
1 can of pepse
1 corona

Add to that the self-imposed stress of near heart attack(s) from watching the Buckeyes game (thank you, Ron Lewis, for sparing various articles of furniture in my house from being destroyed), and following the Cavs game online (32-31 halftime with Boozer outplaying Hughes and LeBron combined??? thank you, Sasha Pavlovic for playing an entire game, and thank you LeBron for playing a rock solid second half), and I'm amazed I'm still alive. This day can't have been good for my heart.

Rachel better come home soon. I might not survive many more days like this.

And on that note, I think I'll go eat some more. I've got more Corned Beef, so that's an option. Or another big slice of pie ... or some Girl Scout Cookies ... hmmm ...

Without Women, Life on Earth Would End

It's true. Without women, life on earth would end. And, yes, physically, this is true. You need the oppossite sexes to create future generations. But let's go back to the beginnings.

Eden. God. Creation.

Surely, in his ultimate power, God could have created us as asexual being, able to reproduce without use of another being. He didn't, and for that we should be thankful, but he could have.

And why? For compansionship? For love? For (His) humor?

Sure, all of those might be true ... but in reality, it's for survival.

Man cannot survive (longterm) on his own.

Take me, for example. My wife goes out of town today, just for a one-day trip to see her mom. What's the first thing I do? Grab a couple extra pieces of greasy garlic cheese pizza and slam them down. Then, after vegging out in front of NCAA Basketball games all day, I take the hour off between games (arrgh! why didn't I get the Miami-Oregon game???), to prepare food. What kind of food, you might ask? Deep fried food. Popcorn chicken, tater tots, and fresh fried tortilla chips. And chased it all down with a Corona (that I got for free from Rachel's gramma).

And while I know this isn't good for me, I continue to do these things. Greasy food, less than healthy beverages, and movement enough to grab the remote and get more to eat.

And, I'm not alone. Check out today and yesterday in the life of Bill Simmons.

I'm telling you, sin or not, Eden or not, men alone would have found a way to deep fry stuff in the garden and kill ourselves off.

Thank God for women.

Modern Day Samaritan

Today, I tell you a story that I think is fictional, although it may reflect actions and behaviors of actual real people. This is not intended. The story is for illustration purposes.

One day, a man fell into the hands of the wrong crowd of people. He was beaten and robbed, and was left laying on the side of the road. His injuries left him incapable of moving to get help, and the gang that had beaten and robbed him took from him any means he had to contact someone for help.

Soon after the attack, a very prestigious ordained man walked past the beaten and bruised man. Seeing his pain, he stopped, and stretched his vocal chords. He spoke to anyone within hearing distance, willing or not.

"Clearly, this man has sinned against our God. Clearly, has taken a stance on abortion, homosexual marriage, poverty, war, immigration or the environment that is not pleasing to our God. And, now, we see that God is punishing him. Let his sad, sad story be a lesson to all of you, that you will repent, and follow me as I follow God, always being on his side of issues, so as to avoid punishment."

Having finished his speech, the prestigious ordained man left, and the beaten and bruised man was left no better than he was before the prestigious ordained man arrived.

Not long after this, a holy man arrived, fresh from leaving his place of worship, where he spoke to like minded folks about his faith. He saw the hurt, wounded, and broken man lying on the side of the road, and he could feel a part of his heart break. He walked over to the men, knelt and stretched his hand out towards him.

"Holy God, we put out trust in you. We see the terrible burden you have placed on this man's life. Lord, I know not the circumstances that lead to him being placed here, hurting and wounded, but I thank you for them. And I pray that this burden you have placed on him will lead him to salvation through you, will lead others to salvation in you, and will bring glory, and honor, and power to your name. Amen."

Having finished his prayer, the holy man stood up, and left and the beaten and bruised man was left no better than he was before the holy man arrived.

A short time later, a man with no identifiable clothing nor any identifiable bumper stickers showed up on the scene in his modest car. He saw the hurting man, and brought his car to a complete and total stop. He left his car and went to the man, checked his vitals, and seeing that he was alive but in pain, scooped him from the ground and put him in his car. He drove him to the nearest hospital, and went to the administrative assistant behind the desk.

"I do not know if this man has insurance or money, but here is my bank card information. Whatever charges are incurred to treat, heal, and nurse the man back to health, please charge to me. Here is my credit card, as well, and a phone number to reach me, if my bank card runs out of funds. Let me know when the man is healthy enough to be moved to a hotel, and I will return for him."

And the man with no identifiable marks left, and the beaten and bruised man was able to have his wounds healed, and able to return to full health.

And which of these three do you think truly served the Lord?

Head Games

I've now missed a day-and-a-half of work thanks to a migraine headache. I hate these things, but even more than that, I hate the effect the medicine I take has on me. Almost no strength ... boy, isn't that fun.

On the bright side, I still love my job. Haven't had a ton of success, but I'm getting better. I've improved from getting a single "no" from business owners to getting 15 or so. I guess that's improvement. Also, I do have a couple of appointments set up, so things are looking up, at least a bit.

Had some deep thoughts to share after jOURney last week, but my head isn't in shape to share them right now, so I'll have to share them later.

Gotta love a life where just about the only thing out of place in my life is my finances. And I honestly mean that.

Hey God, Can We Just Be Friends With Benefits?

So, Journey was very, very good tonight. We discussed the second half of Luke chapter eight, and how God works to restore people. How he restored a man who had been possessed by assumedly hundreds or thousands of demons and been afflicted with a lifetime of pain and struggles. How he restored a woman who had suffered through 12 years of bleeding that caused her to be unclean, caused her to be an outcast, and caused her to be without physical, emotional and spiritual things. And how he literally restored life to a body.

And we discussed how it might just be important to want to seek God for who God is, not just what God can do. To seek a God to commune with, to love and live with, not just a God who can do things and a God who is a spectacle and a show to behold.

Slowly, but surely, the wheels in my head started turning. I'm not the deepest and most understanding theologian. I'm also not the most understand or knowledgeable husband in the world. But I am a thinker. And, even though I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will never fully understand my wife (or women), I also know that I have a better understanding of my wife than I do of God.

Sure, it helps that my wife is finite, and I can have tangible interaction with her, and I can directly see the impact my words and actions have upon her. But, still, I understand her better than I understand God.

And so, this leads me to believe that I understand how to relate with my wife better than how I understand how to relate with God. And so I began to connect our discussion with a chunk of scripture. A passage in Ephesians usually read at weddings to give instructions on how we should relate to our new spouse. But maybe it's there to teach us about how to relate and seek and interact with our God.

And I started to think we should be relating to our God as we (should) relate to our spouses. Not as we treat a girlfriend, someone we commit to for a season and then consider upgrading with or moving on to someone better or different. And definatley not as we treat a "friend with benefits" (note: I hate that term and what it means in terms of relationships, but it worked so well for the examples flowing in my head), someone we get involved with only for the stuff they can do for and with us.

But how often do we (do I) treat my Savior, my Lord, and my God this way? Do I come to Him and seek His ways, until I see something that looks like it might be a better option? Or come to Him only when I need something or want Him to help me in some way.

Yet, when I honestly look at my self, and I honestly look at my heart, when I honestly look at my hopes and dreams and desires ... I see that I don't want to serve and interact with my God in those ways. I want to interact with my God in a way that I daily walk and talk with Him, and daily seek to emulate Him and learn about Him and His heart.

Sometimes, I hate my dreams

I think I've mentioned before that I rarely remember my dreams. Hence, I probably tend to overvalue meaning and significance on the rare event that I do remember one.

Well, last night was a night when I had a memorable dream, as much as I'd like to not remember it. It was a frustrating dream, dark and gloomy, but still holding onto a feeling of reality that couldn't be shaken. Those, to me, are the worse kinds.

Anyway, my dream starts with me waking up in my bed, and feeling not as a dream. The clock shows something around 2:30 in the morning. I sit up in bed to try to clear my head, and suddenly the hallway in front of my bedroom gets darker and darker.

I can't see what's going on in the hallway, but a feeling of doom and oppression comes over me ... a feeling of dread and fear, as well. I can't faintly hear what sounds like horse hoofs in the darkness of my hallway, and motions of darkness within the darkness. The darkness begins calling out myself and my wife, in a deep ominous tone, but then suddenly stops, and the darkness is gone. Everything is back to how it was.

I glance over at my clock and not a moment has passed. I look down at Rachel to see her peacefully sleeping, and begin to get back under the covers, when I hear the same sounds I heard in the darkness, but see no darkness. Instead, in front of my eyes, running down the hallway in front of my bedroom are millitant guerillas, each firing a semi-automatic weapon into my bedroom as they run past. About a dozen of them run past and fire, before I snap awake.

I hate dreams like this.

Who'd have thunk I'd long for the days of Byron Leftwich ready to beat me down?

Updates

Let's see ...

Still very excited about Aflac. Still loving the company, and really loving my direct superiors. Had my computer training on Monday, and even though it was a waste of my time, at least I'm certified to sell through an official Aflac laptop now. Still looking for my first sale though. So if you have any warm leads ...

Still serious about writing a book. Leaning towards an attempt at an epic fantasy novel. I've started outlining the tale, named the major character, and started to shape how it might tell through the lore of fantasy some of my personal religious beliefs.

Still very excited about Journey. Seems like every week I go, or anytime I do anything related to it, my excitement grows. I honestly feel as if we're part of something much bigger than just what can happen in Findlay. Almost like we're following in the footpaths of Martin Luthor. And that's exciting, even if it is a bit hyperbolized.

Don't Wait for the Hearse

Don't Wait for the Hearse ...

what a horrible slogan for selling Christ, if I may say so myself.

Why are so many so unsure of what Christ has to offer in this life, that they can only hope to offer the next life and promises there that they cannot even describe?

Aren't we compelled to a higher, brighter, greater life through Christ, not just a glorious afterlife? Aren't we given more answers, more joy in this life through Christ? Isn't the journey with Christ as good as the promise of the reward?

*sigh*

I just don't get some Christians ...


(and, yes, this is a direct response to a certain church with a 30 foot Jesus escaping from the ground)